


I Miss You

by OnceUponAPemberlyDream



Series: Sharon Carter Matters [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Dementia, F/F, Family Loss, Loss, Memory Loss, Peggy dies im sorry, happy late birthday Cassie uwu, introspective, sharon POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-03 00:56:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4080418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceUponAPemberlyDream/pseuds/OnceUponAPemberlyDream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sharon's been losing Peggy for years. It was only ever a matter of time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Miss You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RobinsGirlWonder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinsGirlWonder/gifts).



> For Cassie! Happy late birthday!

_I miss you_  
_I miss your smile_  
_And I still shed a tear_  
_Every once in a while_  
_And even though it's different now_  
_You're still here somehow_  
_My heart won't let you go_  
_And I need you to know_  
_I miss you, sha la la la la_  
_I miss you_

_-_ Miley Cyrus,  _I Miss You_

* * *

 

The first time Peggy forgot Sharon’s name she was standing in the kitchen after their weekly tea, washing dishes as Sharon dried. Sharon never thought much of it; she always knew she had always looked like her mom. Once when she was five, she remembered crawling after Antoine under the table as Tripp’s mom jokingly told Aunt Peggy and Mama that Sharon was a perfect combination of Peggy’s attitude wrapped in a mini Amanda casing. It hadn’t seemed like a bad sign at the time, nothing more than a moment where Peggy called her Amanda. It was just a moment that Peggy brushed off with a quick shake of a head and a smile. At sixteen, Sharon never gave it a second thought. It wasn’t a big deal, wasn’t something she would go home about and scribble in her journal like her first date with the cute boy next door. Sharon left Peggy after a quick kiss on the cheek to hurry to get to practice as Peggy waved her off, her name floating in the air softly, affection ringing in every note.

* * *

The next time Peggy forgot, it wasn’t just Sharon’s name. Coming home from prom, Sharon stopped by Peggy’s room to check in with her. She had moved in earlier in the year after the accident… after the first loss of Sharon Carter’s life… after Amanda and Harrison Carter disappeared in the blink of an eye. Peggy had taken her in, an aunt no longer but a second mom. Sharon left on the arm of a boy whose face Sharon can’t even remember, whose name escaped her memory in all the years that have passed, a person her friend had set her up with. She hadn’t wanted to go but she let Peggy talk her into it.  _Never let the chance to dance pass you by,_  Peggy laughed as she splashed Sharon with sudsy from the sink after tea after Sharon crossed her arms and leaned against the counter, proclaiming that prom would only be a waste of time when she could be putting in extra hours at the gym, training for the academy.  _You never know if you’ll get that chance again… especially if the dance is with someone special. Never settle for what-ifs, my darling girl._  Sharon remembered standing at the doorway of her room in silence that night, watching as Peggy kept picking up the book in her lap before putting it down. After Peggy finally noticed her, she smiled and muttered something about not being able to sleep. With a smile, she called her Amanda again and asked about the homecoming dance. It took Peggy longer this time before she shook her head and called her Sharon but doesn’t correct herself about the event. When Sharon reminded her that she had gone to prom, Peggy’s eyes squinted at the calendar, the date clearly marked with the words Sharon’s prom scrawled in Peggy’s elegant cursive before she brushed off her mistake with a soft smile. At seventeen, Sharon only thought about how emotionally drained and exhausted from a night that she spent fake smiling and maneuvering away from her handsy date so she chalked up Peggy’s confusion to a late night and worry. Peggy always worried about Sharon when it came to social events, worried about Sharon shutting herself away under a hard surface, under the surface she thought a SHIELD agent should have and Peggy’s concern only worsened after her parents died. She didn’t think twice about Peggy’s apathy about her book until six months later when she finally realized that Peggy stopped reading altogether even though it was a favorite hobby of hers.

* * *

 When Sharon made it into the academy, Sharon found herself worrying about Peggy and the way her hands shook when they sat down for tea in Fredericksburg to celebrate. The cup clattered against the plate when Peggy tries to pour herself milk. As a child, Sharon remembered Amanda often joking that Sharon could spent hours sitting next to her aunt, watching the elegant movements as Peggy’s hands poured tea as if it was just another facet of who she was, the same way her gun became a part of her in a fight. Sharon tried to help, offered to pour the milk for her; but, Peggy snapped at her and Sharon found herself grabbing the edge of the table, shocked. It wasn’t the first time Peggy had told Sharon to stop. Childhood memories flooded to the forefront of her mind of Peggy scolding her and Tripp for getting into trouble together, starting fights with the local boys who said she couldn’t keep up with them to prove them wrong. But Sharon was eighteen and attempting to help her, not eight and coming home with bruised knuckles causing her mom to sigh deeply. Peggy taught her better fighting techniques, taken her to the gun range, helped her prefect her aim with the patience of a saint. It was quick and no one else in the teahouse probably gave it a second glance, but the pit in Sharon’s stomach dropped never the less. Peggy’s attitude changed back to happy just as quickly and she spent the rest of the time telling Sharon about what SHIELD can do for her and how proud she was of Sharon, of how proud her parents would have been and how honored she was that the legacy continued. Sharon plastered a smile on her face, soft at the edges hiding her teeth as they ground against each other, thinking that she should call Tripp. She hadn’t ever needed her best friend before like this, had never needed help to navigate her relationship with Peggy and where it was heading.

* * *

When Sharon turned nineteen, she got the first call that caused her heart to squeeze while her and Tripp sparred in an empty gym after all the other cadets had gone on to the cafe. It took two seconds before Sharon recognized the panic in Peggy’s voice, the repetition of I don’t know where I am caused her chest to tighten and her breath to come in faster. Tripp grabbed her hand, a gesture of comfort the way Peggy used to calm her down when the nightmares came as a child, as she promised she would be right there, that she would help her. Sharon tracked Peggy’s phone and got in her car. Sharon never loved exchanging her last name for favors; but, she couldn’t risk not getting to the woman who cared for her when she needed someone most, the woman who protected everyone. She received permission to take Tripp off campus and spend the weekend with Peggy. She set off as soon as she could, her name allowing her to run off pretty much the minute the head agent said yes. She refused to lose her.

By the time Sharon found Peggy with Tripp by her side, she was curled up on the curb in front of a gas station, car keys dangling from where they hung around her pinky. It took several minutes of assuring Peggy she was fine, that she wasn’t alone for Sharon to get her calm and move to Sharon’s car. Two hours later, Sharon was on the phone with her cousin, one hand wrapped firmly around Peggy’s as Peggy slept quietly. By the end of that weekend, Sharon had turned over Peggy’s care to Peggy’s daughter because Sharon knew she couldn’t hold on to Peggy, couldn’t be there for her. Within the year, Peggy had been moved to England to stay with her daughter and her family. She spent the rest of that year going through the home, clearing out the house when she could between classes and missions. Tripp spent as much time as he could with her, a rock to cling to in a raving river, a best friend that grounded her; but without Peggy, the ache in her chest only worsened. Daily conversations became a memory that Sharon forced herself to bury to ease some of the pressure that grabbed her chest whenever someone mentioned the founder of SHIELD. The phone calls only came once a week because the distance never seemed to be satisfied by the mileage between them; it demanded more from them, demanded that Sharon had to separate herself from Peggy as the photos disappeared from the walls and the memories disappear from Peggy’s mind. The letters stopped coming completely once the words became harder for Peggy. It killed Sharon for the rest of her time in the academy that she wasn’t there, that was nothing she could do for Peggy while she struggled with the change.

* * *

By the time Sharon has turned 26 and the battle of New York occurred, the doctors had given a name to the condition that slowly took things from Peggy.  _Dementia_. Peggy seized going out alone, confined to a bed for the most part. Peggy’s daughter made one too many snide comments about caring for Peggy and Sharon refused to stand by and listen. Peggy ended up back in the states and Sharon knew with her job she couldn’t be around the way she wanted to be so she made a deal with Fury. She headed back to DC from her apartment in Brooklyn, took a position on the special forces team and an assignment to guard Captain America in exchange for Peggy’s placement in a secure home where she would be well taken care off. Peggy continued to mistake her for people from her past but it was no longer only Amanda Carter but others that Sharon never met and, judging by the tone in Peggy’s voice sometimes, Sharon never quite knew if they were people she would have wanted to be associated with. What felt like needles punctured her heart every time Peggy called in the middle of the night to tell her about her day and the visits with Captain Rogers while Peggy forgot blocks of time. The needles pressed harder against the walls of her heart, leaving imprints whenever Peggy forgot Sharon’s visits among the memories of the day, tears slipping from the corner of her eyes every time Peggy made a comment that it had been so long since Sharon had visited even when she had been there that day. She stopped asking about the chances of Peggy remembering who she is; she couldn’t take the doctor’s explanations anymore about how there are no guarantees and all the scientific reasons why she could look at Peggy’s face and remember all the moments between them while Peggy smiled softly and asked if she was the doctor

By the time Sharon donned her armor of scrubs, hidden herself even deeper into a mask only this time the label read Kate the Nurse and not the shell of who Sharon once was before the losses started, before she watched the people who raised her, shaped her, disappeared from her life at various speeds. She refused to count the number of times she spent hiding outside the cracked door, leaning against wall with her head down as the sounds of laughter echoed from inside Peggy’s room as Rogers sat by the edge the bed. She always made sure to disappear before Rogers left; although, she couldn’t lie to herself and say it was only to avoid blowing her cover because she knew herself better. She knew that she may explode in envy if she ran into him while around Peggy, envy because she wanted to experience visits where she would always be the recognizable to Peggy, that she wouldn’t have to walk in the door knowing that more likely than not that her identity would fade and disappear from the person who knew her best, the one who understood her most. She never expected it to hurt so much that Sharon would fade from Peggy’s mind while Rogers always got a smile of recognition before the confusion slipped its way through the cracks of Peggy’s fragile memories.

* * *

When SHIELD fell, Sharon was the first one at Peggy’s side, sitting next to her while she slept. She tried to explain, tried to tell Peggy that what she built doesn’t exist anymore, that what she built was never pure the way she thought. For once, Peggy recognized Sharon clearly as she walked into her bedroom, no hesitation, no confusion and Sharon had to pause to catch her breath. She knew it wasn’t smart, that it was dangerous to let the traitorous thoughts seep in that it was like how it used to be, that she for a moment had the most precious person in her life back completely. It lasted only a sliver longer than it took Sharon to blink before Peggy tilts her head and her eyes fogged over. Peggy nodded along but Sharon knew that the explanation fell into the haze, that the next day Peggy would call her and ask how she was but wouldn’t remember that Sharon sat next to the day before. Tears fell as she wept for Peggy’s past and her present crumbling into the Potomac River, shattered like their relationship, torn apart by the evils of the world and the things they never saw coming.

* * *

By the time Sharon moved up the CIA ladder, a pawn Fury and Hill maneuvered where they wanted because the loyalty to the ideals and her name would never fade, the moments of clarity have long buried themselves under the sands of time and the fog of a faded past. Sharon visited when she could between the assignments at CIA headquarters in DC, their field office in NYC, and her field missions. More often than not the smile on Peggy’s face didn’t reach her eyes and Sharon was never sure the same couldn’t have been said about her, the pain too real for Sharon, too tangible because she could still reach out and touch Peggy but the reception was an polite warmth, the affectionate touch of her childhood transformed into a casual acknowledgement that she was there. No longer were the days of soft squeezes of reassurance, the understanding of the other scattered like broken shells on a beach that cut through the fog briefly before being washed away. The last time she saw Peggy, Peggy had a sudden moment of clarity where she told Sharon that the love and admiration she had for her favorite niece never really faded and she knew that Sharon never gave up completely on her before the smile softened and she called her a name of someone Sharon never knew. She left like she always did once Peggy fell asleep, with a kiss on the forehead and whispered words of love and affection.

The call came in the middle of the night two days later, a voice drifting through the speaker as the phone dropped out of her hands. She said goodbye but it didn’t lessen the pain, the loneliness filling her chest, crashing against her breaking heart. The loss hurt more than than she had fooled herself into believing it would. She spent so long, distancing herself from emotions to do her job well, had somehow convinced herself that she wouldn’t feel anything akin to emptiness when the time came, that she had built up enough of a life that she wouldn’t feel like everything was ending.

For the first time in Sharon’s life, she was wrong and she had no one to turn to, knowing there was forever going to be a hole in her life without Peggy Carter.


End file.
